Hairland cuts off ponytail after reading the decision. Club immediately puts it up for sponsorship

Sham FC striker Erling Hairland (fictional, and no relation to any real footballer) stunned the dressing room on Tuesday afternoon when he borrowed a pair of scissors from the kit man and cut off his famous blonde ponytail.

According to teammates, Hairland had just finished reading the commission decision on his phone. "He got to the part about the tagged sums, went very quiet, and asked if anything at this club was real," said one squad member. "Then he looked in the mirror and said: 'This. This is real. And I grew it myself.' Then he cut it off."

In a short statement, Hairland said: "For years I thought we were all growing together. It turns out only my hair was growing organically. Everything else had a friend topping it up."

Within 14 minutes, the club's commercial department had listed the ponytail as official partnership inventory. The Ponytail Partnership is available now: partners pay £125,000 and the club will declare it as a £1,000,000 hair-rights agreement. The remaining £875,000 will be provided by A Friend of the Club™, who is said to be "very fond of the ponytail".

"It's a genuinely unique asset," said Chief Revenue Recogniser Rex Tagwell (fictional). "It's the only thing we've ever sold that is exactly what it says it is. Which, frankly, makes our auditors nervous."

The ponytail will be displayed in a glass case at the Tagged Sum Arena. Its image rights have already been sold to a company the club owns, and bought back for more.